I'm not really sure about a gentle or tactful way to begin this post, so I'll just dive right in.
A few weeks ago, I woke up one morning to strong nausea, fatigue, and food aversions. As the days went by, a host of other symptoms showed up. Though I felt a bit like garbage, I felt elated! I didn't need a pee stick to tell me what my body was shouting: I'm pregnant!
One of the side effects of pregnancy was a relief of my dysthymia (type of depression). My doctor told me that could happen. I spent a few weeks in a slightly fuzzy-brained cheerful bliss.
Four days ago I woke up feeling really good. I only felt a tiny bit nauseated. As is typical in pregnancy, I leaped out of bed and went running for the bathroom to relieve myself.
Blood.
No no no.....and cramps.
I tried to stay calm. Some bleeding can be normal in the first trimester. Some cramps can be normal. But together? Then there was more blood, darker too. Throughout that morning all my pregnancy symptoms evaporated.
Perhaps I am writing this post too soon...I am still miscarrying as I write. (Normal in very early miscarriages like mine) I have a difficult time expressing how I feel, ever. Right now I feel like I could explode. This post is one of the blessed few ways I could think of to ease my pain.
I wish in a couple months Tony and I could make phones calls to people, and then post cute pregnancy announcements on social media. I wish we could have had ultrasounds. I wish we could have known the sex of our baby and named her or him. For our first baby, none of that will happen.
(Baby's due date: 7 May 2015)
Some of you may be thinking, "My gosh Megan, pull yourself together. It didn't even have a heartbeat yet. It was just a clump of cells... Since you miscarried it so early on, that means it didn't even have all the genetic material to grow into a full person." (most common cause of early miscarriage, actually)
Okay. True enough. My head understands that. Hence why I don't blame myself for this. I feel no guilt. I don't drink or smoke or take drugs, so I have no reason to feel guilty. HOWEVER, try to explain that to my heart. Something my mom told me that I know is true: You don't become a mom when you hold your baby for the first time, or even when you are pregnant. You become a mom when you decide you are ready for children and start trying to conceive.
I am a mom and my baby died.
My heartache and loss is not less because my baby was younger or tinier. I feel cheated right now because it's still not super acceptable to go around telling people you are mourning the loss of your baby because you miscarried. Pregnant? Shout it to the world! Everyone gets all excited! Lose a loved one? Post it all over social media and memorialize their Facebook account. (please note, these are all good things. Keep doing them. I am not trying to diminish these actions one bit, just feeling lost and confused right now.)
Oh ALSO...no pregnancy hormones to keep the dysthymia at bay, so dump a resurgence of depression on top of standard mourning. Fun times. No really.
What is the socially approved and correct way to tell people about your miscarriage and why you are mourning? Is there even a way? Clearly I don't know, hence this post. If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillborn child, ectopic pregnancy, or any sort of fertility issues...please talk to me. Comment, private message, text, call, whatever. Please.
1 out of 5 pregnancies (especially first pregnancies) end in miscarriage, so I know you are out there. It's horribly common. An interesting statistic, after one miscarriage your next pregnancy only has a 1 in 25 chance of miscarrying. So my request: if you get a call in a few months saying we're expecting, don't think we are bad people. We are not trying to replace our first baby. We can't. Our firstborn will be our second child. We still want children, and like I said, miscarriage happens rather frequently. It will take me a while to fully accept this sharp turn of events. When I get pregnant again I will be hyperparanoid about every little thing. I may even be one of those moms who rent a Doppler once the baby's heart starts beating so I can check on it whenever I want.
In our faith, stillborn babies are given names and buried. Doctrine surrounding miscarriage is pretty vague though. It is my hope that one day we will get to meet our first baby.
http://tonygraff.wordpress.com/2014/08/28/we-just-dont-talk-about-that/
Follow the above link for my husband's perspective and thoughts.
